Seeking perfection, a paradox.

The perfectionist trap

"Le mieux est l'ennemi du bien."
(Perfect is the enemy of good)
- Voltaire

The middle way of perfection?

Extremes. My inner rebel loves extremes. I am talking about opportunities life presents us, usually out of nowhere. Like a friend who asks you to join them in a 2 day wild-water rafting excursion outside of civilization. Or the chance to spend a whole week in the desert with 2 days notice to get ready. Those experiences bring me on the edge of what I deem acceptable, safe, and possible.

The aftermath triggers a process to find middle ground: after an extreme redefined my perception of what's acceptable, safe and possible, I "recalibrate", set the bar a little higher (or lower). So far so good:

Extremes have the capabilities to be great teachers. Another "mountain" climbed, another crazy experience, so the body often rewards us with dopamine and the mind gifts us a memorable "reel" to rewatch and maybe even brag about.

Perfectionists often seek out extremes in life in order to define what is possible and acceptable for them.

Now, for the topic of perfection, the story looks a little different: Society bombards us with instructions to be happier, fitter and richer. There's no end to it. It lies in our nature to compare ourselves with the "next better", creating ever higher expectations. And if you have read my principles on Emotions, you might have read Mo Gowdat's happiness equation - it basically suggests you keep expectations (not standards) low.

Interestingly enough, those expectations, unrealistically high, are a double-edged sword. On a positive note they are a driver to better oneself and to work on something with dedication. On the other hand, perfectionism inevitably ends in the feeling that it is - or better I am - never good enough. And that can evolve into a rather unfortunate feeling of being stuck, being trapped.

What leads to a "Perfectionist's Trap"

The most common reasons someone ends up being a perfectionist are:

• Childhood experience, such as being punished for mistakes or only praised for being perfect, see also this study
• Personality traits such as a strong need for control or focus on details
• Culture plays a role, see my thoughts on our Environment

I often chose to take the difficult path, solve the hairy problems and wanted to constantly achieve more, expected to be at 100% every day. And for quite some time, it worked well. But what it led to was an ever-accelerating life. I lived increasingly passive, trying to catch up with all that I thought had to happen. I was becoming reactive to a reality I no longer deemed even good enough, let alone sustainable.

Guess what, this led to a certain (decision-) fatigue, being overwhelmed and eventually with the desire to re-start life. My strive for perfection also gifted me with a fresh set of perspectives, guided by principles. It's safe to say that I like some the traits of my inner perfectionist. But not all.

Looking forward

I hope this will mean a transition: from an unhealthy perfectionist to a healthy striver.

When I feel this "not good enough", I feel stressed. In those moments, I ask myself two questions:

• How can I enjoy the progress made?
• Why is this a realistic goal?

I've derived many principles from this lesson, amongst others the Mind, Growth and Work.

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